The Big Bed

I lay quietly in "the big bed," which Eli in all his cuteness calls Rob's and my bed. This is my second blog post in one night...haven't blogged in eons. I write these for myself to remember, to reflect upon later, to take my temperature...know where I'm at and how I'm doing and if you're reading well that's nice too! My boys sleep next to me, yep that's right...they are both here. Eli doesn't like Eli's bed tonight and was crying so much that he was coughing. I wanted to scoop him up, but Daddy needed to be the one to cave...he has more rules than me. And Daddy did cave (anyone would have, his cries were heart wrenching!). But, once Eli falls asleep he's to go back in his room...I'll get him there eventually. So I lay here and listen to Eli's little sleeping noises and I can't help but wonder if all my dreams and aspirations for the future even matter? Earlier before he fell asleep we were honking each others noses while smiling with our whole faces...no laughing allowed, we can't wake Daddy! It seemed to me that the moment with him mattered more than anything else I could have been doing. Is anything that I do or plan to do or dream to do bigger than my Mama's heart that feels so enlarged? I'm so grateful for this love in my heart and for this very good reason to slide down a slide. It's his childhood. It's his one childhood.

The Daily Miracle

The beautiful mess of my full life swirls around me. People ask how I am, I say "livin' the dream!" Though my response is lighthearted sarcasm, I realized (just today) that I am living The Dream. The one where I become someone's Mama. The one where the baby lives and I finally get to pour out all of that love for child that had been bottled up, sitting on that dusty shelf...waiting. Sometimes I fall asleep to the miracle that life is. I forget. How could I? My desire is to remember, daily. To pull out, of each day, all of the goodness and savor it. To have a grateful heart at the forefront of my existence...each breath, each step. To become so immersed in thankfulness. For this is seeking the face of God. And, I am definitely His seeker.

Breaking Free

I'm leading a guided book study with a friend using Beth Moore's book, "Breaking Free." A poem came out of me during the week of the study. It felt divinely inspired. It felt like it was for the women coming to the study. During our welcome, I bravely read my little poem to them. The night was lovely, powerful. I know that God will speak to each of us directly through these words we read and through our discussions. He has made so much of my old stuff new. He has the supernatural power to transform. I love that. He is simply looking for willingness. Just yesterday I was driving past a church (whose sign always manages to say what I need to hear) and it said this..."God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called."  I've been feeling led towards some things lately. My walk with Him is getting deeper by the day. I can feel myself letting Him in more fully. I told Him during a major prayer session with a friend to prune whatever needs pruning in me. It hurts! I'm uncomfortable and awkward. But, I'm experiencing more joy in my everyday life. I find myself nurturing my people in new ways. There's a shift and it's my daily surrendering to God's Mercy & Grace. Here's the poem:

*Breaking Free*

Unshackled, unchained
hearts blown open,
hearts aflame.

Tangled, strangled
strongholds no more!
Let God in to explore.

For He will journey
the caverns of your heart.
And, bit by bit
transform you into
His work of art.

Be opened, don't flee
He desires to break you free (and He will).

Your gift, for your work
will be His unexplainable
and neverending peace.

Oh How He Loves Us

The other night, I received a beautiful gift from a beautiful person. It contained a divine message just for me. I could feel, in that moment of receiving, God's love in a way that I never had before. I understand that God loves us through others, through His word. But, I've never felt His direct and absolute love. It was as if the "middle man" had been taken out. I could feel a wave of His perfect love wash over me. I felt Him. It moved me to tears. That same evening I got home after 9pm, let my dogs out and for the first time, in who knows when, I looked up! I had totally forgotten that stars existed. And, oh how they shined in that clear, winter sky! As I was looking at them...remembering there's bigger things happening in the Universe, I felt His love cover me once again. I was struck so deeply at the fact (yes, fact!) that He made everything... and yet... He loves ME.
What was this divine message that I was given, you wonder?! It was my life's purpose wrapped in a bow! And, because my Father (who art in Heaven) believes in me, I will step into that purpose one little brave day at a time.

Nanny

Nanny, as her grandchildren affectionately called her, was my Mom's Mother. She was smiles and laughter. Nanny was my last living Grandparent. Lou Gearigs disease took her body, but not her heart. She was smiles and laughter until the day He came for her. Some things this Earthly life can snatch away and some things it can't. This morning I gave Eli a bath. While I was dressing him, he started yelling Nanny, Nanny, Nanny. I froze. Have I ever spoke that sweet name in his presence? It brought me to her. The remembering of my childhood and all that she injected into it. I put Eli down for a nap and found myself dusting my hutch. And, there she was...in a picture, on a porch, flowers behind her...smiling. I paused from this life for a moment and thanked her. When she could hardly talk near the end, she whispered, held my hand and told me she was praying for me. She was dying and praying for me?! She passed and I became pregnant with Eli after almost 3 and a half years of not conceiving. I thank God that I come from praying people. Eli is smiles and laughter, he comes by it naturally. I will pray for my precious son...a prayer that this world won't steal his sunshine. Thank you, Father, for my people.

A Father's Love

On New Years Day, in the morning, my Father stopped by for coffee. I think he
enjoys our Keurig as much as we do. I'm loving that he just shows up and asks for a cup! Since I had Eli, my Father has changed. His entire life was about work and how much he could accomplish in a day. But, as he's gotten older and has slowed down a bit I sense a shift. He's seeing what's important...less doing, more being. Have you ever read the book, "The Five Love Languages?" Amazing, spot on material. My Father loves us through acts of service. He would (and does often) drop whatever he's doing to help us. Never complains or makes you feel bad...just does what needs to be done in his quiet way. My love language is words of affirmation. It makes sense why I had issues with my Father's love as I was growing up. He was loving me through helping me and all I desired were his words...I'm so glad to be an adult now and having read this particular book, resolved all that "junk" and expectation of how I thought he should have been. He was always loving me, the way he knew how. He doesn't often tell me, but when he does its certainly is not taken for granted. New Year's Day we had Rob's Uncle Tom's wedding, so when my Father came by that morning I was dressed nicely...hair and makeup done. He told me that I looked pretty! What?! I'm pretty sure I waited my whole life to hear something from him. It was totally unexpected and just really, really nice to hear.

So This Is Christmas

I'm probably one of the few people that isn't happy when it snows at Christmastime. I love snow and I love Christmas and I've always loved the combination of the two. But, they are no longer a perfect pair. Rob is salting the streets to make them nice for all the Christmas morning travelers. When I picture families driving safely from one place to another I can feel the small fuel of anger dying. We knew it was a possibility that he would get called in and all through the early morning hours we'd look outside and proclaim "no snow!" So I became attached to the idea that yes, he would be home and we would have the cozy Christmas morning that I envisioned. And then like a joy thief the call came and off he went. I felt the loss immensely. The Spirit of Christmas vanished from my entire being. I felt so alone. Eli was still sleeping, Emily is coming over later...I just wanted my little family. I felt the whisper to my heart in that moment, "you are not alone, you are never alone." I was jolted back into remembering who this day is for. Who every day is for. I'm imperfect in my walk with God. I lose perspective...but, only in small fleeting moments. God and I have an arrangement. He let's me throw my pity party. He let's me fall on the floor into a full blown toddler tantrum. And, then He gently nudges me back to Him where I belong. No, this Christmas is not ideal. Yes, I would change some things if I could. But, the reality is this human life is filled to the rim with imperfections and disappointment. But, He is perfect and He doesn't disappoint. He is always the same. Now and forever. Thank you, Lord, for teaching me to set my eyes upon you. Thank you for sending your son Jesus to the Earth. Happy Birthday, Jesus.